the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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