Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
