Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i think i just lost a toe
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
