just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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