you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize