Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
