She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
