I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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