I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
