we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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