All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
