my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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