Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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