I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im holly from the hills drunk
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
