And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
