Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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