I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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