captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
we're so committed to being not committed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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