Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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