her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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