We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
