You're my little dorito
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
