he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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