Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
