Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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