If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
