I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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