I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize