I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
