someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
