Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
