the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My ass is underappreciated
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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