u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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