Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
