I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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