so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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