Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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