I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
