I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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