I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i think my cat just said my name.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
