There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize