you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
They are going to name an STD after you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
