why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize