I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
