someone threw a dead crab at me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
