1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
