He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
