I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
