If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
