I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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