Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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