Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
