I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
