Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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