everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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