I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
