I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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