I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
