One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize