u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
