Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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