so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
