Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Of course I have a pirate flag
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
