farters have to be the big spoon...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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