I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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